A Good Man – Chapter 3 – JohnA Passaro
Bees have to move very fast to stay still.
David Foster Wallace
My life is different now than what it was when I worked for Bill.
Not better, nor worse.
Just drastically different.
I embrace that.
For the last six years, BettyJane and I have been caregivers to our daughter Jessica, who in 2009 lost oxygen to her brain for six minutes.
It is amazing what just six minutes can do to your world.
Jessica now requires around the clock care.
Over the last 2,190 days, either BettyJane or I have literally been by Jess’s side at every given moment.
BettyJane and I are both desperately doing all we can to improve her life.
.1% at a time.
It is excruciating.
It is within this excruciation that I have found an exhilaration for life.
I have traded the hustle and bustle of my prior life for minimization.
I have spent a significant amount of time reflecting on my life – analyzing, uncovering, organizing and trying to make sense of my life’s events.
To understand what truly is important in life.
I have recently started to practice ‘stillness’ as a way of tapping into my soul – to listen and to connect to my inner being.
To find answers.
To find answers to questions I never imagined I would ever have had to ask.
But I do.
In these stillness sessions, I just sit completely still, clear my mind and allow my inner voice to speak to me.
I find that during these sessions, what is communicated to me seems to come from the source of life’s great plan.
A plan in which I initially never quite understand.
A plan at which I marvel when I pay attention to coincidences that start occurring in my life.
Stillness has become the genesis of small miracles in my life.
It is my soul’s magnetic compass.
Stillness points me in the right direction and pulls me onto the right path.
I have learned to blindly travel on whatever path it directs me.
Sometimes the path on which stillness directs me is a public road, lit with a bright sun.
Other times the path is in the woods at night, as I travel alone in the dark.
I have learned wherever the path is, whether public or private, in the light or in the dark, it is the exact path I need to travel in order to fulfill my role in this unique journey which we all call life.
If Bill were able to hear the chatter in my mind, he would know how often I have thought about him recently.
But obviously, he can not.
So there is this gap in my perception of communicating with Bill, and the reality of the matter.
I have often thought about writing or visiting Bill, but something in my life always takes priority.
The proverbial beach ball gets to the surface, ready to explode out of the water, only to be pushed back down by the circumstances of my life.
Even though I know I should use theses circumstances as a catalyst to express my feelings, I have used them as an excuse not to.
Days have turned into weeks.
And weeks have turned into months.
It has been nearly a year and I have yet to communicate with Bill in his time of need.
What is inside of me has yet to come out.
In the creative world, they say the more resistance you face completing a project, the more important it is to your soul’s development.
That would explain things.
One of my goals after my daughter’s tragedy is to make more good than bad come from her situation.
To be the pebble of kindness dropped into the ocean of life.
That causes a ripple.
Which creates a wave.
Which floods the world – with love.
I just don’t know what it is I should do?