Again – Chapter 11 – JohnA Passaro
When something much bigger than you
Shakes your world
Become still for a second
And admire the beauty of life.
December 2nd, 2013
BettyJane and I immediately get on schedule.
She stayed with Jess all of the first day and I replaced her around 8 p.m. of the first night.
Jess’s first operation was successful.
Jess will need a second operation to repair the shunt, the draining system that was implanted into her head when this originally happened. The doctors will not be able to proceed with the second operation until Jess’s body gets rid of a major infection, which is attacking the meninges of her brain.
Jess has a rematch with meningitis, the second time in less than five years.
It is midnight of my first night back and I am trying desperately not to be affected by the noises of the night in the hospital.
The beeps and buzzers and alarms that all mostly goes ignored.
The groans and moans and loneliness, that all go deep into your subconscious.
Jessica is sedated and recovering from her surgery.
I immediately promise myself that I am going to use this time to be still.
Of course I am going to be here for whatever Jess needs, but my life was just shaken like a snow globe, and I am going to be still just to let everything settle, to take in the beauty and to capture the essence of life.
Just like when you look into a shaken snow globe and admire the beauty of the winter scene, I am going to take this still time to look into my shaken life and admire the beauty and the scene.
There not many times in your life when you can become completely still.
I have been blessed with a still moment in my life and I am going to make it do wonders for me.
The benefit of being on a long hospital stay is that my thoughts are crystalized and everything important to me rises up to my consciousness and comes into focus.
It is during these times that I “Get it”.
Life becomes simple, even though it is very complicated.
Adversity has a way of removing the nonsense and leaving only the good sense.
As much as I get tired of battling adversity, I am grateful for each adversity that I battle reveals to me what I truly value.
You see, adversity brings into focus all the things that are important in my life.
I believe that everything in life happens for a reason.
I believe one of the reasons this is happening is so I can become the man I was meant to be.
I believe it is a gift to have the ability to become still, to let everything important to me just float around and land in the right places, a gift I would never have anywhere else but right here, in the ICU at midnight.
As everything that matters most to me is so vivid in my mind, I write.
I write to capture the feelings, to blazon words on a page, to remember forever, to never forget, to figure things out, to understand.
Just like with a dream, if I don’t write down my feelings right after I wake up, they become lost forever.
So I will take this time each day to write what I now understand from the shake of my life’s snow globe.
I sit still in the ICU at Stony Brook at midnight.
Stony Brook University hospital sits atop the highest elevation on Long Island, and Jess’s ICU room has the greatest view from that peak.
I look out through Jess’s window as she sleeps and recovers.
It starts to snow…