I’m Fine

Your Soul Knows – Chapter 2 – JohnA Passaro

Heart Broken
Dying inside

As I am walking to my vehicle I run into an old friend, one whom I have not seen in many years.

In my mind, I try to decipher whether the last time I have seen him was “BJ” or “AJ”, Before Jess or After Jess.

That is how I view my life now.

As I am working on solving this chronological puzzle, my old friend asks me: “John, how are you?” and when he emphasizes the word are a second longer than most people would, the circumstances of when the last time I had last seen my friend come to the forefront of my mind.

The last time, come to think of it, was at the gas station pumping gas immediately after I left the hospital for the first time in over four days when Jess was originally admitted back in 2009.

So, the answer is “AJ” – After Jess.

I was an emotional zombie at that time.

Today, I am only 49% zombie.

It has taken me over five years to recapture 51% of my life.

It has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but I have done it.

I refocus on his question.

I don’t know how to answer his question of “How are you?”

Is it a nicety? Or does he really want to know?

I finally answer, “I am fine,” we exchange a few niceties and I head to my truck.

Just before I get to my truck, I have this urge to turn around and to go back and say to my old friend:

“You know, I’m not fine.

I’m far from ok.

I’m barely hanging on.

I’m fighting every day to just be ok.

That’s how I am if you really want to know.

How are you?”

But instead, I put the key in the ignition and I drive away.

At this point in my life, I am many things, but “fine” is still not one of them.

Read the next chapter – Open Your Gifts


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