Your Soul Knows – Chapter 2 – JohnA Passaro
As I am walking to my vehicle I run into an old friend, one whom I have not seen in many years.
In my mind, I try to decipher whether the last time I have seen him was “BJ” or “AJ”, Before Jess or After Jess.
That is how I view my life now.
As I am working on solving this chronological puzzle, my old friend asks me: “John, how are you?” and when he emphasizes the word are a second longer than most people would, the circumstances of when the last time I had last seen my friend come to the forefront of my mind.
The last time, come to think of it, was at the gas station pumping gas immediately after I left the hospital for the first time in over four days when Jess was originally admitted back in 2009.
So, the answer is “AJ” – After Jess.
I was an emotional zombie at that time.
Today, I am only 49% zombie.
It has taken me over five years to recapture 51% of my life.
It has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but I have done it.
I refocus on his question.
I don’t know how to answer his question of “How are you?”
Is it a nicety? Or does he really want to know?
I finally answer, “I am fine,” we exchange a few niceties and I head to my truck.
Just before I get to my truck, I have this urge to turn around and to go back and say to my old friend:
“You know, I’m not fine.
I’m far from ok.
I’m barely hanging on.
I’m fighting every day to just be ok.
That’s how I am if you really want to know.
How are you?”
But instead, I put the key in the ignition and I drive away.
At this point in my life, I am many things, but “fine” is still not one of them.